EP. 254 Influence Begins With Validation Truth #17

Why Traditional Persuasion Often Fails

Influence becomes difficult when two people hold strong, opposing points of view. A buyer thinks your solution is too expensive, while you believe the additional cost creates more value. A prospect prefers a competitor, while you believe your approach is better for their business. A customer wants only part of the solution, while you believe they need the whole thing.

Those are not simple information gaps. They are competing beliefs, and the traditional selling response is to build the strongest possible business case. Sellers present more evidence, explain more clearly, and try to prove why their point of view is right. But the person on the other side usually does the same thing. The seller makes an argument, and the buyer makes a counterargument. As Tom explains in the episode, once that pattern begins, the conversation stops being about influence and starts becoming a debate.

“When the argument begins, influence ends.”
— Tom Stanfill

That does not mean sellers should avoid having a point of view. Quite the opposite. Strong sellers should have expertise, conviction, and a clear recommendation. The mistake is assuming that the best way to change someone’s mind is to immediately explain why they should change it.

 Take the Trip® 

At ASLAN, we call the alternative Take the Trip® . The idea is simple: temporarily leave your point of view and try to understand theirs.

If the buyer thinks your solution is too expensive, do not immediately defend the price. Ask why they see it that way. Understand what they are comparing it to, what they value, what constraints they are facing, and what is shaping their decision. If a customer wants to maintain the status quo, understand why. If a leader wants to solve the problem with process instead of skill development, understand what has led them to that conclusion.

The goal is not to gather just enough information to build a better rebuttal. The goal is to become genuinely curious about why the other person sees the situation the way they do. That distinction matters because a buyer can usually tell when a seller is “listening” while mentally preparing the next argument. Facial expression, tone, questions, and overall Metamessage reveal whether the seller is genuinely curious or simply waiting for a turn to speak.

Start With the Possibility That You May Be Wrong

One of the most practical ways to become more curious is to enter the conversation with one simple thought: I may be wrong.

That does not mean abandoning your expertise or becoming uncertain about everything you know. It means recognizing that you may not yet understand something about the customer’s situation. Maybe the recommendation is right for most buyers but wrong for this one. Maybe their circumstances have changed. Maybe they are interpreting the situation through experiences you do not share. Maybe you haven't uncovered a constraint yet.

Tom gives a simple example from a software renewal conversation. A seller may be convinced that renewing makes sense until they discover the customer plans to sell the business the following month. Without that information, the seller can easily mistake confidence for understanding.

That is why curiosity is not weakness. It is a way to make sure the recommendation is grounded in the customer’s reality.

Validation Has to Be Felt

Validation is not accomplished by saying “I understand” and moving on. In fact, simply telling someone you understand is often much less powerful than proving it.

The seller has to get to the point where the buyer can hear their own point of view reflected back accurately. That means listening without editing, reframing, or packaging the response to make it more convenient for the seller. Tom describes the moment when validation really lands as the point where the other person says some version of, “Exactly. That’s what I mean.”

That response matters because it signals two things at once. First, the seller now understands the buyer’s actual perspective. Second, the buyer feels understood. Those are not the same thing. A seller can technically hear every word and still fail to make the buyer feel heard.

Validation Builds Receptivity

This is where validation becomes more than just a listening skill. It creates receptivity.

When someone feels understood, they are more likely to become open to understanding you. That is especially important in high-resistance situations where the seller is trying to influence a buyer who already has a strong bias. Before the seller can effectively introduce a different point of view, they need to lower the emotional resistance surrounding the conversation.

Validation does that because it signals respect. It communicates, “I am not here to steamroll your point of view. I am willing to understand how you got there.” That creates a different kind of relationship.

Tom describes validation as making a deposit in the other person’s “emotional bank account.” Sometimes the value of the conversation is not even new information. Sometimes people simply need the space to process what they are thinking with someone they trust.

The Hardest Part: Validating When You Do Not Like the Answer

Validation gets much harder when truly understanding the buyer may hurt your chances of winning the business. The buyer may be in the middle of a merger and genuinely unable to decide. The customer may not have the budget. The timing may actually be wrong. The competitor may genuinely be a better fit.

That is when the seller’s motive becomes visible. It is easy to listen when the buyer’s answers are moving the deal toward you. It is much harder when the buyer’s answers create a reason not to move forward.

“If you can’t say, ‘I may be wrong,’ then you’re wrong.”
— Tab Norris

Tab’s point captures the mindset required to take the trip honestly. The seller has to be willing to discover something they did not want to discover.

And while that may occasionally cost a short-term opportunity, it builds something much more durable: trust.

Validation Does Not Mean Becoming Passive

Another mistake sits at the opposite end of the spectrum. Some sellers are excellent listeners. They ask thoughtful questions, validate the buyer’s perspective, and create a comfortable conversation. Then they leave.

They never challenge the buyer’s thinking, introduce a new perspective, or recommend a different path. That is not influence either.

ASLAN’s point of view is not that sellers should simply agree with customers. It is that sellers need to earn the right to lead them. Once you understand the buyer’s perspective and they feel understood, you can often say something like, “Would you be open to hearing another point of view?”

That simple question changes the dynamic. The seller is no longer forcing the recommendation into the conversation. They are asking permission to introduce it after proving they understand the buyer first.

That is the balance great sellers learn to strike: validate first, then lead.

Sometimes the Best Move Is to Slow Down

The transcript also highlights an important practical reality: sometimes taking the trip means the seller does not have enough time left in the meeting to make the recommendation well.

That is okay.

Tab describes a recent conversation where he entered the meeting expecting to position ASLAN’s approach, but realized during discovery that he was missing important information. Instead of rushing through the recommendation just because it was on the agenda, he kept listening. At the end of the conversation, he acknowledged they hadn't followed the planned agenda, explained that he now understood the problem more clearly, and asked to schedule another meeting so he could return with a thoughtful perspective. The customer agreed.

That choice communicates something important. The seller is more committed to solving the problem well than to forcing the planned pitch into the remaining minutes. That is an Other-Centered® Metamessage buyers can feel.

Influence Begins With Validation, But It Cannot End There

Validation is not the goal. Influence is.

The seller’s role is not simply to understand the buyer or make them feel comfortable. It is to understand them well enough to help them make the best possible decision. That requires both sides of the equation.

You have to be willing to leave your point of view and take the trip. You also have to be willing to come back and lead.

The strongest sellers know how to do both. They do not begin with the argument. They begin with curiosity. They do not assume the buyer is wrong. They look for what they may be missing. They listen until they can reflect the buyer’s perspective back accurately. And once the buyer feels understood, they earn something far more valuable than permission to make a pitch.

They earn receptivity.

That is why influence begins with validation.